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Fucked Up Stories

Here are some funny jokes that I have heard

Long Jokes

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research
project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute
requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable
excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a
death in the student's immediate family. A wisecracking student in the back
of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up "But what about extreme sexual
exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in
laughter. When the students finally settled down, the professor gave the
student a long, appraising look. "Well", he responded, "I guess you'll just
have to write with your other hand

Short Jokes

Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread

What did Tarzan say when he saw the Elephants coming?
Look, the elephants are coming!
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming with sunglasses on?
Nothing, he couldn't recognize them

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead
Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree?
Cause he got hit by the first monkey
Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure
Why did the 4th monkey fall out of the tree?
Cause he got hit by a barrage of monkeys

What do you call 2 gays in a garbage bag?

Why did the 2 gays get arrested?

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur traders

Why did the gay get a job in the chocolate factory?
So he could pack fudge for a living

What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A cunt.....You have to leave your bag outside

What has 75 balls and screws old women?

Why did the blonde girl have bruises around her belly button?
Because her boyfriend was blonde too

What did the blonde say when she saw a box of cheerios?
"Look!, Donut seeds!"

How do you know that a blonde's been at your computer?
The joystick is wet

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Little boy blue
Little boy blue who?
MIcheal Jackson

There were two lezbians and two fags trying to get to New York. Which one would gott there first?
The lezbians because thay were doing 69 all the way and the fags were still home getting their shit packed

What do you see when the Pilsbury doughboy bends over? Doughnuts

Why blondes bad at water-skiing?
Because whenever they get wet they lay down

What does a Polish submarine and a used condom have in common?
They're both full of thick useless semen.(seamen)

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "At least wait until he's walking"

An airplane captain radios his passengers and says "We have lost all engines
and are going to crash so if there are any last things you want to do, do them
now! A woman jumps up from her seat, rips of her clothes, and yells I've never had a real man make me feel like a woman. A man jumps up ripping of his shirt and says to the woman "Here Iron This!!!!!

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder